Sometimes a climber hits the wall. No matter how hard you try, you just cant get the send. Red point attempt after red point attempt. It just doesnt happen. After a pretty lengthly attempt to wrap up a few of my seasons projects, I realized I had hit my wall. I had been climbing my heart out. Training hard. Eating right. Making healthy, climber decisions. My patience was being tested. I needed rest, and the snow on the ground was telling me that my time was up. How do I get the much needed rest my body needs in such a short period of time? In times like these, I like to try the unconventional.
Step One: Shave everything! Swimmers do it. It shaves seconds off of their lap times. How can it help a climber? Less weight. Those dirt bag dreads are in need of burning bro! I think I just found a new species living in there???!!!
Step Two: With weight in consideration, climb naked. Again, weight can affect even the strongest climbers send. So strip off the designed under~britches, soft shell pata~goochie pants, gone. That rollie you got on your wrist, strip it. Give the shirt off your back to the bumb on the corner, he will be grateful. Now, hop in your hooptie and get your ass to the crag cause there is an indecent exposure ordinance here and youre gonna get a ticket.
Step Three: Why are you flaking out your rope? Make your cronies do it! You need that energy for the send! And by gosh you better have not carried that heavy beast up here. Bad kitty!
Step Four: The Bowline in lighter than the figure 8.
Step Five: Point at the sky, kiss your imaginary cross, say hail Mary, turn 270 degrees to your left, bend down, drink a healthy shot of G2 goo, make a wookie noise and give it your all. Dont forget to make sure your belayer is wearing a fedora.